I don’t know with mathematic certainty
or fortune-teller’s accuracy
when this need for popping the bubble I’ve been living in started
– indomitable thought that there’s something more, out there,
something different from the mould I’ve known.
But for some combination of inexplicable reasons I can’t call by a name
and these selfish dreams of mine,
stubbornly stuck in the upsidedown way I see the world,
like a messy succession of impulsive moves and the inevitable coming to familiar conclusions and tastes.
But I often found myself piling up thoughts and locking them
in a drawer I’d forget about,
opting for the usual jeans, the usual sentences that don’t let show
that perpetual veil of days with no risks, but forever lacking a bit of salt.
Fuck it to the stillness of the flow,
time diluted in lukewarm relationships and orgasms let halfway,
articulated in grey skies and mid-season jackets.
So I bought that plane ticket I was terrified to buy.
And I came to the conclusion that maybe it’s hard for me to buy the idea that I deserve better than this foreplay games I’ve been playing
to keep me distracted
and my days filled.
That maybe there’s more than days lacking salt and common places.
That maybe it’s not too bad to fall into the mud of If’s and But’s.
That maybe this mould of life without unexpected turns and tough lessons isn’t as bad as I’ve pictured it.
And so I took a run,
and started to believe that maybe the emptiness under my feet when the sea gets deep isn’t that scary if you turn it upside down.
If I think that not knowing what’s waiting for me out there, where others haven’t swum so far, can be the best gift I could give myself.
So here I find myself,
laying for the last night in my bed
– knowing by heart the voice I make when I cry
and the way I sing when nobody’s listening.
Ready to take a deep breath and see it by myself,
what the hell is waiting for me there where my eyes can’t see.
The things that scare me the most are also the things that make me the happiest.
Who knows what’s hiding where people don’t have the guts to swim,
where some don’t find the heart to come back from.
Europe’s been the perfect playground,
Australia I’m coming for you.